Living without Snow

Snow drifting silently, covering everything in its path with freshness; the early morning
calm; Nothing to compete with, just me and God. There is certain quietness after a snow
storm. The world blanketed in white, it is followed by indescribable silence.

At age 13, a paper route was a way that I could earn money. I had to pull myself out of
bed, wrap papers, and carry them door to door. Honestly most days it was my mother
who made sure I was up in the morning. The job required having the papers delivered by
6:30am. I often found myself alone with my thoughts. Post snow storm was one of my
favorite times to deliver the paper.

These moments on my paper route imbedded an idea of what peace should be. In my
imagination, it is a place of tranquility. The demands of the world fall off. I have open
communication with the one who made me. There is specialness about the peace in my
mind, similar to the feeling after a fresh snow.

Reality comes crashing into my imagination. That peace I long for, is it still attainable?
No paper route to follow, I still have dreams (nightmares?) where I can’t remember
which house I must deliver to next. In my dreams I worry that I won’t get my route done
in time…

As my mother grew up, her parents were having trouble with her brother. They had to
make difficult decisions. One night she slipped a paper with this verse beneath their door:

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to
you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

In the midst of their heartache, it was a comfort. About 30 years later, she found herself in a
similar situation. My grandmother had framed the paper that my mom had given them. The
paper was returned improved. She clung to the verse in the midst of the world that was far
from peaceful. She found the peace in the midst of difficulty.

I am an introvert. I long for that place on my paper route. I even entertain thoughts of living
in a land where people wear coats. Currently 75F is chilly. My children sing in the
background as I write instead of eating their lunch.

Just as my mother found peace in the midst, this is what I seek. I am thankful that the peace
he gives doesn’t look like my imagination. He faced greater trials than waking up early and
making sure the right people got the correct paper. He is the One who knows what I face.
Nothing I face surprises him. To me that is a great comfort.

As for my own peace, I have come to believe it isn’t the paper route or the snow that I seek.
It is the One who gives eternal peace. When I cling to anything but him, I lose my peace. I
am thankful that the peace he gives doesn’t require my imagination. He is one who brings
peace in the midst of difficulty; land without snow and all.

Finding a nesting place

Home.

Just saying the word brings up many feelings for me.

I grew up in the same area from when I was 5 until I turned 18.  Around my 17th birthday I really felt challenged by God to "do something different". I went to Christian middle school and was attending Christian High School. I went to summer camp, and sang the songs in chapel. God asked me if I was really committed?

That summer changed my life, but it happened over the next 18 years.  I spent 8 months in Mexico.  Although I would never consider myself a TCK, I will tell you that shaped me greatly. I left part of my heart in Mexico, and every time I return, I feel like I'm finding a bit of me again.

Missions continued to pull at my heart, and Nathanael's.  We thought we may go on the Mercy Ships, Costa Rico, South Korea, and Jamaica.

The path to Belize ended up in our family of 6 spending a year living with my parents. (It was originally supposed to be only 2 months) Going to Belize meant we had a house to ourselves. At the same time I missed what I had come to love in the year we were gone.

Now we are "home"(with my parents). Some things feel the same as they did 2 years ago. We are enjoying convenience. We are loving seeing people face to face and  hugging them. There is an unrest in the "limbo" of what our lives are right now. I have a new awareness of how difficult it will be to say goodbye.

I keep asking myself how to live in the present, how to hold loosely to the things that don't matter and embrace the things that do. I fall in love with a place that at one time seemed so unexciting and ordinary. At the same time I know that my calling is not for "here" (in PA) right now.

The call to something greater doesn't mean I can't have home. It means that I work at home being not a physical place, but the people I share my life with. It means I embrace to the best of my ability whatever home looks like.( I will spare you the pictures of our living room, piled high with all sorts of odds and ends.. clean clothes, school books, stuff for our return to Belize. )

Slowly, somewhere along this path, I am learning to find that space, and love it. To look at the calling, and embrace what is around me. Sometimes I even decorate! (Pictures of some places that have been nesting places for us in the past year)

The Joy of reading

I distinctly remember the first time I ever read through a book. I was about 5. My mom kept me home.  She taught me some but mostly it was about learning about what was around me.

I remember picking up a Dick and Jane book, and devouring it.  I just wanted to read more.

This became the "mantra" of my life.  Books are something I love. They are a "friend" when I'm lonely. They help me wind down from a long day. They instruct me.  They open me up to a new way of life.  I have glasses because of my desire to read.  I would sit by our nightlight and read until I fell asleep

Since we've been in PA I have again realized how much I missed the access to books.  Wow! I exclaim to myself as I observe rows and rows of nice like new books in our local library.  Nathanael had to pull me out of our local homeschool used book sale.  I tried hard to only buy books I thought we would use and not all of the ones that delighted me.

Delight!  That is the word I would use to describe how I feel about reading.  While we were on our vacation, Nathanael insisted I try the blue fish pedicure.  He captured a few pictures of what it was like for me.  The first sensation I felt was ticklish. I just couldn't stop laughing.  

I have been reading through a series of books where the author imagines what it would be like if Jesus was physically with us.  Each person Jesus is with he takes absolute delight in.  I think to myself I would like to capture that, to come to a greater undersanding of how much he delights in me. It may look like how I feel about books or that feeling I had with the fish, I couldn't withhold my laughter.  I am going to continue to read, and to continue to find delight in the world around me.

Who am I??

About 6 months ago, our family movie night was enjoyed by watching Wreck it Ralph.  It follows the story of a "bad guy" in a video game.  No one likes him he must sleep in the dump.  He is tired of this and runs away.  Along his way he meets another renegade, a girl who is rejected in her video game. She isn't even allowed to race in the race of cars with everyone else.

Through a semi lengthy path we discover that the girl Vanellope is actually the head character of the game.  The game is about her.  An evil villain has taken over the game and stolen the other people's memories.  They won't let her race either.  The villain knows if Vanellope actually wins the race, she will re-set the game.   The other characters will remember who she is.  


A few weeks ago I did the Velvet Ashes retreat.  One woman's testimony was all about identity.  She had put it into context of a missionary's life.  Who we are isn't identified by what we do, what pasture we are in or even the job we have.  

This really struck me as I did a lesson this week in Sunday School.  We are still studying the armor of God.  This weeks lesson was on the Sword of the spirit. (God's word!)  

I wrote out "lies" we believe on the ground in chalk.  Some tend to be very personal. We carry them around like a burden, even buying into them as the truth.  The kids took red balloons (representing Jesus blood) and blotted out the lies.  Oh how I wish it was so easy in my own life!  We talked about what verses combat the truth and how the only way we can fight is through God's word.

As we are leaving, thinking about re-entry and our lives beyond Belize (until we come back); who we are is shifting.  We wont be "missionaries" or the gringos.  (actually I have only been called a gringa once and that was from a good friend who couldn't remember my name, so she called me the Gringa that's Nathanael's wife). 

I personally have struggled. While it's mostly my job to handle "publicity" my personal "job" as a missionary is much in the background.  I have been humbled.  Housework takes me so much longer.  Homeschooling takes a long time.  Shopping? Don't even get me started.  I have enjoyed opportunities to get out in the community through interactions like shops, art class, and Sunday school.  Kids Konnect was a breath of fresh air for me, a chance to use my nursing skills.  I have longed for returning to the States and using my nursing skills.  

The truth is none of this brings us value and none of it really should be telling me who I am.  Vanellope?  She discovers in the end she's the princess... the queen of the game.  Me?  I am not always sure who I am.  I don't want my opinion of myself to come from that which surrounds me.  My relationship with Jesus should always be that which brings me my identity. 

The exciting part is I am still on a path of discovery.  Vanellope was able to discover about herself by believing what was placed in her was the truth, not what others told her.  I will also continue to seek truth through changing circumstances. 

Coming to an understanding

My mentor and I were talking on Thursday. She was helping me summarize what I've been feeling lately.  We decided one of the words was misunderstood.

I think that language (and culture) learning really sets anyone up for this. We make assumptions about things based on our view of the world.  When you can't communicate effectively things get mixed up. Sometimes this culture also tends to "make" this happen.  Although it is very warm culture, there is no shame in telling someone how they must change. Often on the street our children (or I) am told what we must do.. (like how to ride a bike) In my passport country it is rare for a passerby to offer advice.

The hardest thing for me is when someone assumes that they know me.  Maybe they think they do because they are facebook friends with me. Perhaps they have been to my house or know my parents.

Sometimes I wonder if this same feeling isn't something that God feels. He longs for us to know him.  He doesn't want us to talk about him, read the Bible and that's it. He wants intimacy.  It is great to go to church, to hear about him.  Without relationship, the Bible is a bunch of stories.  Without truly knowing that all things are possible through Jesus, we can't truly commune with him.

In the same way I believe he wants to know me. He doesn't want a laundry list, or me reading his word out of duty.  This creator of the universe actually wants to know how I feel. He wants me to listen to how he is feeling.

Intimacy as a Christian I believe it is one of the greatest gifts he's ever given me.  I don't have to feel misunderstood.  He knows me, and I long to know him.

Who gives us validation?

What do you want the most? What do you wish for the most?  I think I've asked these questions so much in the past few months they have gotten stale like bread left out too long.  My children have wanted different things a different times. Sometimes they miss their friends. Other times it's a special food or place to visit, the hugs of family. (it just isn't the same over Skype although we do appreciate the ability to call people)

I also have a wanting for things. For the past few months I just can't get Panera bread out of my head.. especially their bread bowl with french onion soup!

Really though having been in Belize for such a short time we vacillate between looking at where we've been to missing the comforts of the States.

If you were to ask me what it is we desire, it would be a lot of things.

I think as someone in ministry a huge thing is tangible results.  Sometimes it feels like this is what "everyone" wants from you.  I got a card from a dear lady in our church in the States.  She asked "How are the signs and what about the miracles?"

wow.. talk about pressure!

I think really beyond that we just feel a desire to see what we are putting into things come out.  It took Nathanael almost 4 1/2 months to even get classes for interpreters started.  This involved getting to know the "bosses" at the Ministry of Education.  He went multiple times sometimes just discussing in offices and adapting to "warm culture" of being friends first..

He meets with men, going through The Purple Book, asking questions, and encouraging.  All of these things though won't convince someone to change their life habits.

For us the journey has been in understanding our "results" aren't God's.  We aren't called to change lives (although we hope that happens).  We are called to be obedient.  We are learning to trust that God sees what we can't, that our persistent prayers are availing much, and that God's vision is greater than our own.

How we connect

Moving is difficult for most people.  It involves transition, change and packing.  We moved out of our culture to a different one, from the known to the unknown.  Only Spring out of the family had done this before.  We were excited and nervous.

When talking with a friend who moved across the US about her daughter's struggles with their move, I realized we weren't alone.  Friendships don't happen overnight.  One must find different ways to connect, and keep connections.

I for one am so thankful for Skype.  I am also very thankful to my brother-in-law who ported my google number for me.  Now with internet I can text my friends easily. It comes up as the same phone number that I've always used.  Added bonus in a country where we pay per text, these are free/unlimited!

The children have slowly developed friends.  They have fun with the other children at church.  Over Christmas our neighbor (who is 10) had cousins from Guatemala over.  We tried to do a mentos diet coke experiment but it was a total fail. (we figure coke light is different from diet coke perhaps?) Our mishap did develop a relationship with her cousin (Zion's age) who went home after Christmas and eventually our neighbor.  Unlike other countries I've visited in our area there isn't a lot of kids just playing in the street. We have to seek out activities.  This is good but difficult.


How do we connect to people in the States?  Skype, What's App, Viber, and my ported Google number are my friends ;).  I just talked with my mentor today and a friend I used to walk with texted me.  I am blessed.  The children Skype weekly with Lucianna who is the child advocate.  They also are able to Skype with family, and friends.

Do we miss the US? Yes we do. Quite frequently. We are so glad for ways we can connect with friends online and in person. Friendships are those that require effort, and we are thankful that there are so many different ways to connect!

Fluff? Velvet ashes style.. :)

This week I am answering Velvet Ashe's questions on the blog :)  fun! 



1. Are you right or left handed? Anyone ambidextrous?
Right handed. I believe I always was. At the same time I have always struggled with knowing which had was Left and which hand was right.  Currently I rub my left thumb on my ring finger and that's how I tell.  16 years ago, I couldn't always tell you correctly my left from my right consistently.


2. When you were a kid, what job/role did you want to have as an adult? I know in 8th grade I did a career report on being a doctor.  Really that was because I wanted to be "as good as" my friend whose mother was a doctor.  She was planning on being one herself.  I really don't think I knew what I wanted to do. Sometimes I still don't know

3. If you had to choose between chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry ice-cream, which would you choose? Could I say  none?  I am not a big ice cream fan.  If I was in the mood for ice cream it would be chocolate though.. with lots of fun toppings!


4. What are some of your favorite movies?
That often depends on what mood I am in.  I love Life is Beautiful, and Unconditional are my top favorites. I have some other's I've liked but these stick with me.

5. Do you sleep with your socks on?
no way.. unless I am really

6. What do you enjoy about the culture you live in? Everyone knows each other and everyone is friendly

7. Have you ever needed stitches? Only once Any good stitches stories? My mom thought I needed stitches when I was 12 or so.  I screamed the WHOLE way to the doctor's office.  When we got there, my mother re-evaluated the cut and turned around. I was so relieved.

8. What do you enjoy doing on Saturday morning?
sleeping in and reading

9. Today, what’s the weather like where you are? It was a cooler day in the 60's.  It is usually 80-90's so we feel blessed

10. What smells do you like?
Lavender hands down is my absolute favorite.  I like others, but natural lavender I love in about anything

The desire of my heart

I have to admit that when I was first asked to lead Sunday school class, it felt like it was more of a "Let's keep the kids from bothering the adults" duty.

I was still shell-shocked from moving to Belize.  Nathanael could attest to the fact that change and me are sometimes enemies.  I think I want change but when it comes suddenly, it is difficult for me.
I often need some time to adjust, find my own way.

Even though I waited a month and a half to start the class, my heart was not in it.  After a long week homeschooling my children, it felt overwhelming to try to do something exciting Sunday mornings.

I had a plan to follow the honor curriculum, but that fizzled out due to Nathanael and I switching "shifts" on more than one occasion. We still are slowly working through this as a family.  I really love the simplicity of it, and what it teaches.

I instead settled on Ministry to Children.  They offer simple object lessons that I can build off of and a coloring page.

Once a plan was settled in my mind, God began to work on my heart.  He has reminded me of importance.  No matter what age, or what we do we are important to God.  Even if it seems like this job I have is lackluster, I have kids attention for a limited time.  What am I going to do with it.

As God changed my heart, I began to remember how important prayer is.  Nathanael and I clean the church on Sunday mornings before church.  This is my time to pray. To pray as I clean the dirt and roaches out of the bathroom. To go over the classroom and ask Jesus to be there with us.

The biggest lesson I learned last year was our utter dependence on God.  As I seek him, as I depend on his grace, it motivates me to seek him for these: his children.

When I saw the word of the week, I had to look it up.  Hesed. I honestly had never heard of it.  As I read the definition, tears brimmed in my eyes.

Hesed is the ultimate motivator.  Me I don't do well with rules or boxes.  His great great love is what calls me to obedience.  It is what I pray for my children:that they would experience him.  It is what I desire the children in Sunday school to see.

I don't want them to see me. I don't want them to have "fun" I pray that they meet with their creator, and know his Hesed.

Is competition healthy?

This is a question I really struggle with.

I grew up Mennonite. I have strong non-violence, pacifist peaceful roots.  I learned growing up that yielding lead to peacefulness. (although not always in my own heart).

Yet I see in my husband and 2 of my children this desire to compete.  I really feel it's not as negative of a character trait as I had previously believed.

Nathanael and I enjoy a good Qwerkle game.  Selah loves the challenge of clue.  I can't tell you how excited we were when the local thrift shop had new games for sale.  Our friend had given us a gift to use for ourselves, and this is how we used it:

When I think about playing a game with someone who is a good competitor, it is an enjoyable thing.  Having someone push me to do my best is challenging and fun.

I personally need to look at life this way more.  I was recently on a medical mission trip.  One wonderful woman took me under her wing.  She as a pastor's wife said everyone needs a Peter, Barnabas, and Timothy.  We need someone to mentor us, someone who runs alongside us, and someone who we are mentoring. 

 

I have a mentor, and she spurs me on to be greater. She knows when to challenge me, and when to encourage me.  I think this type of challenge is God given.  I need new eyes to see this as holy; as a way to make me more like Jesus. 

 

Nathanael and I run along side each other.  This is challenge in itself.  We have learned about tandem riding.  When we got our first tandem bike, the man warned us. He said that tandems either make or break a relationship. We learned.. through the making and the breaking.  Unity is key! My husband challenges me more than anyone else.

 

I say the challenge is the greatest this may be only partially true. When someone is learning from you; that is a challenge of a different kind. Someone who is following you watches everything you do.  If they admire you this is extra hard.  My children watch my every move.  This pushes me to be my "best" self.  I could tell you that having children has been the most life changing thing I have ever done.

 

Overall I am so thankful that God blessed me with things that challenge me to grow. 

 

 

Taking a drink

I just started reading a book called Wild in the Hollow for a book club.  I have only read the first 4 chapters.  She is describing her life as a "rebel" (her word) and conversion.  She talks about how the Holy Spirit met her on a linoleum floor.   

The book comes alive in my hands.  I walk with her, in despair, failure, doubt.  I see Christ as the Savior and friend that he is.  It is an exciting read (so far!) 

As I read I recognized I had been "missing out".  As a missionary (really just teaching sunday school weekly and cleaning the church are my  main jobs), homeschool mom, and friend; I had missed out on being filled.  I had forgotten to seek him first.  I hadn't even noticed I was running on empty.

Thirst is like that sometimes.  Until we take that first sip of water cooling our throats, we haven't noticed we needed it.  I cherish water a lot more these days than I used to.  It takes work to get it.  Water isn't really expensive, but man is it important, especially the drinking water!

I have been reading through the Bible, but was really missing out on intimacy.  What a good reminder and a spur to continue to seek his presence.  I need to remember to be thirsty.   

Our SEED

She was "little" when she came out.. all 6lbs 10oz of her, smaller than her sister.  The first thing I noticed about her was the two dimples on the right side of her face.  The smaller one she had has faded.  The larger one is one of my favorite things about her..

So why talk about Selah?  The Velvet Ashes theme of the week is "ponder" Selah's name just kept running in my head.. over and over

Nathanael came up with her name. Since he chose it so long ago from the Psalms, we have met or heard of a good number of girls named Selah.  At the time it felt pretty unique.  Selah is a musical term. It means to stop and think about it, or rock.. much along the same line as ponder.  Selah is a ponderer. She just loves to think about how things work, what things do, or how they can be put together.

We really wanted Selah to carry the name of a friend.  She is named after our dear friend Lauren whose middle name is Elizabeth.

Esperanza is Selah's second middle name.  It means to wait or hope in Spanish.

When we decided Selah's name we didn't realize right away that her initials spell SEED.  Now she loves that it does as do we.

I struggle with this not being a "perfect" post but I will leave it as it is.  I have really enjoyed re thinking why she was named what she was named.  To us it was very important to also consider name meanings.

She is the girl that when I stop to think about it, never stops amazing me.  I am blessed to be her mom

Treasure Hunt!

When I was 5, a family tradition started.  Age 5 was the only year we were allowed to have a "non-family" party.  My parents made it a big production.  This is a blessing that comes along with being the oldest; getting to be the first to do things.

My father put together a treasure hunt. My friends and I followed clues through the yard trying to get to the end. I actually don't even remember what the prize was.  The joy of the hunt stuck with me.

When Abigail (our oldest) turned 5 we also had a big-production party. Not really pin-trest worthy, but still fun.  Her theme: The pirates who don't do anything.  We again had a treasure hunt.   Why?  I had so much fun when I was 5; and pirates go together well with treasure hunts?

We actually didn't do a treasure hunt again, not in my family growing up or our family now.  It was a fun tradition and I wish we had stuck with it.

A little while ago I started a different type of hunt.  I began to read Ann Voskamp's book.  I tried
to be thankful for what was around me.  I felt like I'd found the key to unlock a magic door.

Most of highschool, my marriage and especially when I graduated nursing school I struggled with depression.  I prayed about it.  I read books.  I asked God to make me joyful.

I learned that thankfulness is key.  Does it "solve"depression.. no it doesn't. It does help with  my attitude.  It does help me see the world differently.

I seek joy, and I find it.  "Working" for it makes the difference.  You see the treasure hunt isn't always about the prize, it is about the delight of the hunt.

Getting larger or smaller?

As a someone who is a "Martha" by nature, I tend to measure my worth in what I do.  I can tell you I know this isn't healthy. I can tell you that is not how God sees me. I can also tell you that getting my "to do" list interrupted is a troublesome thing for me.

God and I we're working on this.  First he moved me to a country where I feel lonely; and a culture where things move at a much slower pace (this is good for me!).

When I looked at the word for today, I was baffled.  My world in many ways has gotten much smaller, not enlarged. We work with a people group that is marginalized but isn't necessarily "all around" me.  It is a people group that is in every corner of the world, yet largely remains unreached.

My husband had a job and many opportunities the minute he touched foreign soil. Me?  I still have to get my nursing licence in order to apply to volunteer. We are still unsure of how this will work with Nathanael's responsibilities and calling.

 I have enlarged my heart, for the people around me; for the opportunities that we would love to see happen.  I have enlarged the vision for what I would love to do with my responsibilities.

At the same time, the pace, the home responsibilities (which simply take longer in a developing country) are teaching me to try to live every moment with God.  Really the dependance on him is what is enlarging my heart..

for a country that is not my own
for a people who are different than me
for the climate that means you are constantly sweaty
for the alone time I get when I hang wash on the roof
for the fact that I have the privilege of being with my children all of the time..

Really largeness and smallness are relative, but I pray God would enlarge the places in my heart that need it; giving me the focus on the important things.

Examine

When I first read the word, I had to make sure I was reading it right.. so I did what all millennials do, I used the google dictionary!  There are two parts of examination that struck me:

Examine- an internal examination of ones-self; the discipline of exploring the how and what of our actions.  This is a tough one for me.  I tend to be very self deprecating.  If there is a conflict, the first person I blame is myself.  Since I have this tenancy, my self examining tends to lean towards me telling myself how terrible I am.

But God... when I focus on God, while examining my heart the view is much different. I am able to see my own fallacies, need for improvement and thoughts.  At the same time, he shows me who I am.  He lets me know who I serve.  He gives me a reason for doing the examination in the first place.

When I focus inwardly, I don't desire to change.  When my focus of examine is heavenward, I am propelled toward change.

The second part of the definition is a testing.  I was immediately reminded of how James tells us testing will cause us to be more complete, to lack nothing.  Oh how I want to lack nothing. In the process of learning not to lack, is the process of giving up.

Testing is difficult.  Most people don't choose to walk into a trying time.  I would have to say I like to join with the sentiment.  I told our pastor's wife that I am not sure I would re-choose the path we had taken if I knew what it looked like.  Her response: most people wouldn't.

It affected me profoundly.  God doesn't show us the whole picture because it involves a lot of testing, trying and becoming more and more like him.  While I can be brave in the moment and say I am glad he choose to test me. I am glad he allows me to grow and change.  I hope the next test that comes along I remember what I just told you!

James 1:2-4The Message (MSG)

Faith Under Pressure

2-4 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

This post based on Velvet Ashes the Grove's word of the week.